Do you guys ever get that crippling feeling that you're never going to get out of a situation you're currently in? Perhaps it's work related, relationship, roommate etc., but there just never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself sort of trapped in that cycle as I sit and type this, and I worry that I'm the one to blame for my current situation. 

Not anything specifically, more so everything, all at once with absolutely no hope on the horizon. It sounds majorly dramatic as I write it out, but it's kind of a catastrophic feeling of how do I get out of this situation? How do I find that light at the end of the tunnel which is almost always there, but we're unable to see it clearly as we are enveloped in what we believe to be a multitude of obstacles. I'm feeling it particularly hard this morning you guys. How do I get to that point where I'm happy? Where I'm comfortable on my own? Where everything doesn't feel so hopeless? I know there's hope, I just can't find any right now.

I'm struggling with a lot of things currently. As I've stated before, I quit my last job because my left foot is in agonizing pain all of the time. It's now hurting even when I'm just sitting which is a painful reminder that I most definitely need surgery. Where does that leave me when it comes to sourcing work? I've been on the hunt now for a month and I've probably applied to 10 jobs that fit my skillset and needs. I need to be sitting for most, if not all of my shift. I need to make over a certain amount of money so that I can get ahead again and get in to my own space. I'm desperate to be on my own, but I'm sabotaging myself with my expenses that don't correlate with my budget. I've always had this issue with money where yes, my bills are paid, but I'm not saving a penny. How do you get ahead when you're spending like you have an endless stream of money? My own problem, but I recognize it at least.

Ugh, I always sound so depressey when I'm on here yapping, but I kind of use this part of my blog as a diary / release when I can't talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I could chat with my friends of course, but I hate being a buzzkill, and everyone has their own problems that they're trying to navigate that I don't want to add to.

I'm always reminding myself that I should be grateful for the things I DO have. A roof over my head, my health for the most part etc., but it's easy to sink into the negatives when they just seem to keep piling up. Don't worry about me, that's what I'm saying to you all AND myself, I know I can pull myself out of this funk. I just hate that this cloud looms over me constantly making me feel like I could've done things differently.

There's always hope, sometimes you just have to search a little harder for it. Love you all. 

Well y'all, as I sit here typing this, I've come to the realization that this is going to be a transformative year for me in so many ways. I ended my employment with the tanning salon, went to Mexico for 9 days to recharge, refresh, and refocus, and now here I am. Where do I go from here? I've definitely got some semi-concrete plans in my mind but putting them in to fruition is going to take work. With that being said, what I've noticed is despite not currently having a job, my stress is almost non-existent. You really don't recognize how stressed you are all the time, or have been for that matter, until you're suddenly not any longer. Stress is poison to us, I know this all too well. I sometimes let myself stay in situations that don't align with my brain / tolerances because I'm a people pleaser, but this comes at the cost of my own sanity.

I decided I'm going to give the TEFL course another go. Teaching English as a Foreign Language. The course would allow me to teach from the comfort of my home, relieving the pressure and pain my feet have endured for over a year and a half. Without going in to every grotesque detail, my left foot is a complete mess. Bunion, callouses, bones protruding from the left side of my foot, alignment issues with my feet versus leg & knee, the whole shebang. It's been all consuming for me. Every step I take causes so much internal anxiety because I can feel how out of whack my entire bone structure has become. For the past 6 months leading to my departure from the salon, every minute of every day was spent focused on how poorly I felt and panicking over the damage I was doing to my body. This stress was literally becoming all I could focus on which was ruining the job experience for me. How can one smile and be bubbly when they're hyper focused on their health declining before their eyes? It was honestly a complete mess and despite loving being there, it just wasn't good for me at this point in my life.

The English teaching course will afford me the luxury of being able to stay off of my feet more. I'm hoping this allows me to rebuild my strength through yoga, working out, and getting back to my nature walks; all of which have disappeared from my life because of the issues with my feet. I felt my mental health plummeting and honestly, had it not been for that magical trip to Mexico, I don't think I would've mentally lasted much longer before a complete meltdown. I was so close you guys. I couldn't handle a wink of stress because that was my whole existence. Stress, every minute of every day, all consuming, devastating, all of it. Now, I sit here and reflect on how much it truly was eating up my entire attention span. 

My dream is teach online and move to Mexico within the next year. There was something magical that happened to me there. Utter peace. While I was of course over-indulging, it was a reminder that I need to focus on my mental health more and stop sweeping it under the rug. Who else is going to look out for me 100% of the time outside of myself? How can I do that when I'm crumbling from all of the stress, pressure, and pain that I continued to endure? You can't, it's that simple. Something happened to me in Mexico, I felt peace, I felt a sense of awakening, a realization that I didn't have to be in any position I didn't want to. I started researching and landed on the TEFL course.

I'm almost 40, life is short, how long will I continue to enrich other's lives while completely neglecting my own? I want to hear the ocean, feel the ocean breeze, eat good food, and just be happy again. Happiness is something we all search for and honestly, will I ever be TRULY happy? It's up in the air, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be actively working towards that in every facet of my life. So that's my plan.

​Love you all <3