Can you guys believe Christmas is in 4 days? I'm missing that Christmas spirit this year despite my best efforts. I've been listening to my favourite Christmas hits every morning as I do my blogging, trying to get in to that happy, festive spirit, but something is just lacking. Is it the lack of snow? Is it missing my mom? Is it my work schedule that has me pretty much working right up until Christmas? I think it's a combination of all of these things but I'll tell you, I just don't feel it this year. I really miss my mom. Christmas was definitely her time to shine I'll tell you. I miss the chaos. I miss the smell of weeks of hectic Christmas baking. I miss everything about our Christmas' of yesteryear. Things really haven't been the same without her. I also think that as we grow up, the nostalgia of it all kind of diminishes despite our best efforts. While I wish I could still have the youthful excitement surrounding the day, it's just another day anymore, especially when you're just working all the way through. I must admit, I was pretty spoiled at the restaurant when my boss would take her vacation to Mexico and close us for like, 10 days. Sure, I wasn't getting paid, but it definitely felt more like the holidays when I was off and was able to do Christmasy things. Maybe that's another reason this all just feels so lame. I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and brother over the holidays of course. I'll spend some time with my sister and her family on Christmas day, and some time with my brother and family on Boxing day because everyone doesn't really see each other anymore. My sister / dad and my brother are in this weird place where they haven't really spoken much or spent ANY time together in years. It's a weird dynamic but let's face it, who's family dynamic is perfect? Admittedly, it would be so nice if we could all get together leaving me with one day to spend myself, but that's more so me being greedy. I miss the whole fam getting together but what can ya do? But that's that. I'm missing the spirit this year you guys. Maybe the next few days will change that, I don't know, but I'm signing off and heading to work. Exhausted, over-tired, and completely missing the Christmas spirit. HAPPY VEG
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Although this is probably rather unsurprising given that I've repeatedly told y'all I'm a bit of a mess, but I really don't thrive in chaos. What I mean by that is when things are constantly coming up that throw a wrench in my plans or what I've set out to do, I find that I get extremely overwhelmed which shoots my anxiety through the roof. My anxiety has been particularly bad these past 6 months or so, I've found that I've been struggling to maintain my composure because I just feel like things have been all over the place. I've talked about this before, but I shit, shower, and shave in the same order every day. I'm a creature of habit and consistency. Without consistency, I'm a complete basket case and I've certainly found that I've been struggling a lot mentally lately. Both of my siblings were dealt with health scares that really left me anxious at all times and I've not yet recovered. I've talked about my job before and how sales is just something that is not me whatsoever, and the pressure it has put on me mentally with everything else that life throws at you...I'm struggling. I really try my best to maintain my composure but I can tell I'm cracking. I can feel it. My anxiety has been so bad that I find myself waking up 100's of times throughout the night, stressed about things that haven't even happened. I'm waking up before my alarm and just laying there, staring blankly at the ceiling and over-thinking every facet of my life from my job to my health and everything in between. It's not healthy. I miss the version of me that didn't feel like this...he was here a couple years ago. But whoever that version of me was has gone on vacation and left me behind with this version of myself. This version is perpetually nervous, paranoid, and angry. I don't like him. I know that everything in life is short-lived and I also know that I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to make 2025 my best year yet. I need new surroundings, new scenery, new opportunities, and less stress lol It all starts somewhere and for me, it'll start at home. Getting back in to a workout routine and setting out a sleep schedule is where I'll start tackling the anxiety. From there, it'll be about getting back in to the food industry I think. I miss being surrounded by food. Talking about food, seeing people eat and be happy, memories around food. I really do miss it and food IS my passion after all. Rant over. I'm struggling, but I know I can do this. I'm the only person responsible for my happiness in the end. Everyone around you has their own motives, their own journey and responsibilities, and they might want what's best for you but it doesn't always coincide with what YOU deem to be best. I'm making some major changes this year and I'm determined to get the happy, healthy, and less stressed version of me back. I'm so burnt out from being perpetually anxious and stressed. HAPPY VEG |
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