Chaos

Although this is probably rather unsurprising given that I've repeatedly told y'all I'm a bit of a mess, but I really don't thrive in chaos. What I mean by that is when things are constantly coming up that throw a wrench in my plans or what I've set out to do, I find that I get extremely overwhelmed which shoots my anxiety through the roof. My anxiety has been particularly bad these past 6 months or so, I've found that I've been struggling to maintain my composure because I just feel like things have been all over the place.

I've talked about this before, but I shit, shower, and shave in the same order every day. I'm a creature of habit and consistency. Without consistency, I'm a complete basket case and I've certainly found that I've been struggling a lot mentally lately. Both of my siblings were dealt with health scares that really left me anxious at all times and I've not yet recovered. I've talked about my job before and how sales is just something that is not me whatsoever, and the pressure it has put on me mentally with everything else that life throws at you...I'm struggling.

I really try my best to maintain my composure but I can tell I'm cracking. I can feel it. My anxiety has been so bad that I find myself waking up 100's of times throughout the night, stressed about things that haven't even happened. I'm waking up before my alarm and just laying there, staring blankly at the ceiling and over-thinking every facet of my life from my job to my health and everything in between. It's not healthy. I miss the version of me that didn't feel like this...he was here a couple years ago. But whoever that version of me was has gone on vacation and left me behind with this version of myself. This version is perpetually nervous, paranoid, and angry. I don't like him.

I know that everything in life is short-lived and I also know that I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to make 2025 my best year yet. I need new surroundings, new scenery, new opportunities, and less stress lol It all starts somewhere and for me, it'll start at home. Getting back in to a workout routine and setting out a sleep schedule is where I'll start tackling the anxiety. From there, it'll be about getting back in to the food industry I think. I miss being surrounded by food. Talking about food, seeing people eat and be happy, memories around food. I really do miss it and food IS my passion after all.

Rant over. I'm struggling, but I know I can do this. I'm the only person responsible for my happiness in the end. Everyone around you has their own motives, their own journey and responsibilities, and they might want what's best for you but it doesn't always coincide with what YOU deem to be best. I'm making some major changes this year and I'm determined to get the happy, healthy, and less stressed version of me back. I'm so burnt out from being perpetually anxious and stressed.

HAPPY VEG