The C Word

You know, growing up, I really didn't think about cancer much. It hadn't impacted my life so it was something that didn't consume my existence. That is, until my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It was at that moment that cancer became all consuming to me. Watching my mom go through hell, be told it was all good, and then to be sitting in the room with her when she was told she was terminal was the hardest thing I'd ever had to deal with to that point. I still remember the feeling of utter shock and emotional turmoil as we sat there dumbfounded that those words came out of the doctor's mouth. My mom passed away only 5 months after that day. The decline was rapid and frightening, and it was during that time that I started to notice the commercials, the advertisements, the warnings, all over the TV, internet, everywhere. It was always around me, but I didn't take note until it personally affected my life.

In the past year, my brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer which brought back so many horrendous memories. I was so scared but wanted to make sure that my brother knew I was there, strong, and ready to support in any way I could. I'm so grateful to announce that he beat cancer and is doing fantastically. With that being said, hearing him utter the words, "I have cancer" dug up some painful memories for me. 9 years after my mother passed and those memories are so vivid. While I've pretty much accepted & moved on from the trauma of my mother's passing, those memories are there, waiting to come back to the forefront with every C word that affects my life. 

Now, Tuesday I'll be going to the doctor's to determine whether I now have cancer. Only 6 months after my brother, and only 3 weeks away from the 10 year anniversary of my mother's passing. How surreal. I went from really not even thinking about Cancer, to being slapped in the face with it repeatedly. I'm hopeful that even if my diagnosis is cancer, that it's in the very beginning stages and will be dealt with swiftly. Will I completely fall apart when I hear those words? I know there's a possibility I have it, I've come to terms with that, but hearing the words....does the trauma come right back to the forefront? I don't know. All I know is that I'm so sick of hearing that damned word. I'm sick of so many people having to suffer despite decades of research. When will we get to the point that it's not immediately seen as a death sentence in my mind? 

Ugh, I'm definitely overwhelmed by it all. I'm going to go to my appointment on Tuesday with high hopes, but also the realization that I could hear those words. I'm going to do my best to be ok because that's all I can do. I just hope that in my lifetime, we get just a little closer to figuring this all out. It's devastating the amount of lives lost to this awful disease every year.

​That's all for now. I love you all <3 

HAPPY VEG