Christmas really snuck up on me this year with everything I've gone through in the past few months. Coming home from Ireland at the end of October really didn't leave me much time to get myself together in time for Christmas. Luckily I was able to get back to work with enough time to catch up on bills and get my nephews a little something which is what matters to me. I find that I'm always stressing every year trying to get thousands of gifts for everyone in my family so taking it easy this year was a bit of a treat I must say.

Christmas is an interesting time of year now that my mother is no longer with us. This will be the third Christmas without her and it's definitely not gotten any less strange. I miss the smell of her Christmas baking. I miss the stress of trying to get the house decorated and in order prior to my auntie coming to spend the night. I miss everything normal about this holiday that has now left me with a feeling of being lost. 

My auntie passed away earlier this month and it was another reason for Christmas to be strange. My auntie spent 20 years plus at our house for Christmas, and even though she hasn't been here in a few years, knowing she's gone now is another reason for things to be strange. It's definitely hard to adjust when so many things that were part of your Christmas traditions have gone away. We haven't decorated in years, no baking, no normalcy.

Part of life is loss unfortunately and there's no hiding from it. Does it ever get easier? Do things ever start to feel normal again? Every time I think I've moved on from tragedy, something else happens that sets things back, it's frustrating and debilitating to say the least. 

With all of that being said, I was ready to decorate this year. I was ready to at least try and put the spirit back into Christmas but my aunt passing kind of took that out of me. She was such a special lady, she really made our Christmas' so special. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world.

So now I sit here on Christmas eve, reflecting on the many years of Christmas memories I have to cherish and wondering when things feel ok again. I will continue to look around my house missing the decorations, the smell of my mother's baking, and my auntie. Hug your family, tell them you love them as often as possible, hold on to all of the memories you have because one day you will be in my seat, wondering when things return to normal. 

I have officially gone back to my second job at Tim Hortons and should be starting back in a few weeks. Although there were plenty of reasons to look for something different with the most obvious reason being the distance from my house, there were more reasons why I should go back. My boss there is fully aware of my current schedule and working around it which I  know can be a hinderance with finding a new job. I used to do hiring and I know that working around other schedules is not always a good selling point. I also love most of the people there and found myself having fun most of the time at work which really is important to me.

One very big reason I chose to go back was interviewing for a new job. I'm not good at lying to be honest and I feared questions like, "Do you see yourself growing within the company?" or "Why did you choose this job?" and frankly, I couldn't bring myself to fabricate an answer knowing I was planning on leaving for Ireland again in the fall. I was honest with my bosses from the start when I knew I was leaving and I couldn't bear to sit through an interview knowing I had no intention of staying permanently.

I definitely have my eyes on the prize here. I know this year will be rough working day and night trying to save triple the amount of money I brought with me the first time around. It's going to require diligence and restraint when it comes to shopping. I am determined to pay off my student debt, credit card, and save enough money to go back and feel comfortable. All I can think about is all of the things I'm missing out on seeing as I sit here back in Windsor and it really irks me. I was finally getting into my groove there and had to abruptly leave so I definitely feel like I have lots of unfinished business.

It's going to be a rough year but one that will be well worth it in the end!

HAPPY VEG