Oh my, today is one of those days that was designed to test not only my patience, but my resilience.

About 6 days ago, I noticed dime sized red circles on the backs of both of my feet but didn't really pay them any attention because I didn't feel any pain or anything. By the second day, I noticed the right foot one was starting to hurt a little bit but once again, wrote it off because I didn't have time to do much about it. By the end of my shift on the third day, I had already googled all the ways I was going to die because of this damned thing and struggled to make it back to the hostel because the pain and pressure were so intense. When I got back, I took a gander at it and realized it had swollen to the size of a golf ball. NOOOOOOWWWWWW I was super concerned so I made an appointment with a doctor for Thursday (today) and started taking anti-inflammatorys to try and help reduce the swelling. 

By yesterday, the swelling was almost entirely gone and the bump had reduced in size so much so that I considered cancelling my appointment because it costs money just to walk into a doctors office here in Dublin. I decided just to go because I felt like I should at least get confirmation of what exactly was going on. 

So today I head to the doctors feeling almost no pain whatsoever except for a little tightness that is totally manageable. I get into his office and I explain to him what I believe it is (Haglunds Deformality) and he has to google what that is because he's unaware. He asks to see my foot and starts squeezing and pushing on the lump which I'm thinking to myself, is this helping or making things worse lol. Anyhow, after poking and prodding for like, 2 minutes he says he doesn't believe it's Haglunds because the bone seems normal and the lump is skin related. He refers me to the hospital for X-Rays if I want them but suspects that nothing is wrong and that it was likely an infection. So basically I got nowhere and I had to pay 40 euros lol

I leave to find an ATM to withdraw money for my appointment and after walking for what felt like days, I found a SPAR and headed in to use the ATM. After my first attempt, the ATM rejects my card stating it was not supported and to try again later. I'm already irritated so I'm like, fuck you machine I'm trying again. This time I was successful in withdrawing my money and went back to pay the doctor. After finishing up, I decided to head to Penney's to look for some comfy slips to wear around the hostel and some new shoes. I do all my shopping and leave and as my bank card notifies me of my purchases I notice that I was charged twice for my ATM withdrawal. Now I'm right pissed.

So I head all the way back in the opposite direction and get to the SPAR to let them know what happened. I was basically told they couldn't help me and I had to contact my bank. The kicker? He asked me if it told me I would be charged as in, did it mention I would be charged twice. I somehow refrained from screaming at this point but c'mon, the machine would tell me it was charging me 80 euros for a 40 euro withdrawal and I would stupidly accept? Give me a break.

So, I spent 80 euros to get no information today and hobbled back to my hostel feeling defeated. I did however get some cute, fuzzy slippers so I guess the day wasn't a complete bust lol Just one of those days.

HAPPY VEG

As the title of this post suggests, I'm at an impasse. I absolutely love the job that I'm doing at the hostel and I love the people I work with, I want to first point that out. My problem lies with the shift itself and the types of people I'm being forced to deal with. Working nights is something I told myself I'd never do again after my job at 7 11 and not because the job sucked, at that point it was solely the hours. I was NOT loving staying up all night and sleeping all day. I just don't find it especially healthy for me, I find I miss the sunlight and just the activities one partakes in during the day. With this job however, it's that and more.

In the past two weeks, I've dealt with a slew of uncomfortable situations involving guests that made me question whether this was the right fit for me. Last week, there was a guest who was so drunk and enraged with me for my questions I actually feared he was going to hit me lol Like, actually full on punch me in the face. I lol about it now but at that moment, I was not laughing. I stood my ground and made our rules clear to him but he was so drunk and belligerent, I wasn't sure how the situation was going to turn out. This past weekend was no different, Friday was full of drunks who were rude and uncooperative and last night was just as bad. Some drunk guys were making homophobic jokes to me while I tried to check their identification and they made me super uncomfortable. Not to mention some dickhead intentionally set off the fire alarm which sent the building in to a tizzy. By the end of the shift this morning, I was really questioning how much I was willing to take.

I went to college for Hospitality, whether in hotels or restaurants, so I enjoy customer service and engaging with people. I enjoy being in situations where I put a smile on someone's face or make their day somehow because of the service I provide, I take pride in it. When I took this job as a night porter, I initially thought it would be great to finally get a job in the accommodations sector and also thought at the time that it would involve customer service almost entirely. Unfortunately, it appears I'm more of a babysitter to people who see me as a target and essentially work 8 hours stressed and worried about what kind of situation I'll be dealing with next. If it weren't for the great company of my coworkers, there would be absolutely no saving grace here.

Last night I asked myself, did I go to college for this? Did I endure two years as a full time student, working full time as well to help pay for school, only t be in this kind of a position? I really can't see myself doing this for another 8 months while I'm in Ireland but I also feel some kind of unnecessary loyalty when I really shouldn't. I've only been there two months and frankly, haven't enjoyed myself as much as I'd hoped. Why can't I bring myself to just walk away? Oh yah, because I empathize with the managers in how difficult it is to find night porters and feel like if I left, I'd be screwing them over immensely. This has always been my problem with jobs, I've gotten to a point where I no longer enjoyed the job or felt like I could continue but I was too concerned with how they would function without me completely forgetting about myself or how I felt. Why do I do this?

Ugh, I know if I make it until April there are a couple day and afternoon staff who are leaving which I would hope meant that I would be moving to days and afternoons as I've already made it clear I couldn't stay on nights. My question is though, can I actually last until then? We're moving in to a slower time of year but that hasn't stopped the bigoted drunk men from turning up at all hours and being disrespectful. I don't know what to do. I also know this job will look good on my resume when I return to Canada because a lack of experience is what has kept me from getting hotel work back home. Hence the impasse.

MY own happiness has to be more important to me but I can't help but think of all the reasons why I should stay. Do you guys do this too or am I just being crazy and should gtfo while I still can?

HAPPY VEG

One of the biggest things I wanted out of this trip was to better learn about myself. What I wanted, what was important to me, what makes me happy and feel fulfilled, and I'm already on my way to figuring all of that out.

What I'm discovering first of all, is that I really like travelling and learning about new places. I find it so exhilarating walking around a new city alone, doing things as I would like to do, and engaging with local attractions and such. It's such a cool experience to get to be in new places and really take them in, alone. This is not to say that I wouldn't have been incredibly stoked if I had had a companion all of this time, but it's an empowering feeling doing it all yourself. Dublin was my first solo experience and now I've just returned from Nottingham which was FABULOUS, I only wish I'd of had one more day to really explore and see what I wanted to see but such is the life when you purchase discount airline tickets.

Another thing I've learned is how important animals are to me. I spend my free time watching hundreds of videos of all kinds of animals doing funny things, sad things, loving things, all kinds of things. I realise I always loved animals but being in a position where having one is out of the question has certainly reminded me how important they are to me and how badly I want as many as possible. This also kind of portrays to me that no matter what direction I think I want to head in life, I'll always revert back to owning an Animal Sanctuary. Having a safe place for all kinds of animals that have been through hell and back and just seeing them happy is something I just know will give me a lifetime of happiness. The question is, how the hell do I begin with something like that? I'll be looking more into this later in the year.

Lastly, how important my blog is and growing it to be something more. Since I've been living in the hostel, I've noticed all I can think about is how much fun and enjoyment I was getting out of writing and testing new recipes all the time. Eating here is fine and I'm cooking a lot more now but it's not the same, I don't have access to the equipment I had back home, nor the free time or space to really spread out and just play. This is something I'm dying to get back into. Filming videos for my blog, discussing animal rights, finishing my eBook that I'm slowly transferring over to the proper format etc. All of this ties into my blog and how important it is to me. I envision a future where my blog helps me pay for my sanctuary and I can cook and test recipes and play with animals. 

You know what they say, if there's a will there's a way!

HAPPY VEG

Being away from friends and family is hard guys. I go back and forth almost daily between loving that I'm getting this experience and wanting to retreat back home to return to the life I had. You know, it's not just missing people, it's missing everything. It's missing cooking as often as I was, preparing and testing new recipes for my blog, it's missing hangouts with all my friends, it's everything you know!? 

The one thing I promised myself I would get out of this experience was travelling. I wanted to make sure I saw as much as I possibly could before I went back to Canada and that's what I'm determined to do. I just booked a trip to Valencia Spain that I'm looking forward to immensely because I never imagined I'd visit in a million years. I am heading to Nottingham this upcoming weekend which I'm also looking forward to although the trip is shorten than I would have liked but the trips are kind of based around Ryanair's availability and prices so I kind of have to book and take what I can get. 

It's quite amazing to me the access you have to the rest of Europe when you're over here. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined flying somewhere and back for under 50 euros. Compare that to Canadian prices and it's no wonder people can easily make their way around Europe when they're already here, it's crazy. That's why when I have those days where I feel down I just remind myself that I promised myself I would travel when I was here. You know, I barely have any money in my account which is difficult for me coming from home where I pretty much had too much money for what I needed but that's the experience right?

Also, there's plenty more of Ireland I need to see as well. I mean, I haven't seen any of the other cities yet, haven't been to the Cliffs of Moher or any of the world famous castles, there's still so much to see. I just know I've got plenty of time to see Ireland because I'm based here so why not go around visiting other places. Plus, I want to save some of the natural beauty of Ireland for when my sister visits next year. I'm super excited for her to come because much like me, she's not flown or really traveled at all in her life. I think visiting some of these naturally beautiful places with her will be great because I think we'll both experience it the same way.

I'll be sure to share a bunch of pics from my trip to Nottingham and hopefully I can visit a few of the places on my list in the short time that I have there!

HAPPY VEG

​"The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation. People with social anxiety disorder may worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious."
https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder

They say that social anxiety typically begins during the teenage years which in my case, couldn't be any more true. Let's go back to grade school , where I felt as cool as a cucumber with no inhibitions. After starting drama, it was evident to me and my teacher(s) that I had a knack for being on the stage. I thrived on the stage, performing, making people laugh, so much so that there was one year that I didn't sign up but my teachers signed me up because they wanted me there. I loved performing, there was this rush of excitement and happiness that would come over me when I performed. I thoroughly loved the feeling of entertaining people and could see myself pursuing acting and continuing this in to high school and even further, as a career.

Then high school happened and the bullying that really took its toll on me began. I was periodically bullied in grade school for being gay but it never really bothered me because I had a lot of friends and felt comfortable with my surroundings. High school was a completely different story. Aside from one other guy at my school, there weren't openly gay people at my school. At first, I tried to hide or deny the fact but it eventually got old and by grade 10, I was pretty much an open book. I didn't necessarily run around screaming that I was gay but it was evident enough that it didn't need to be spoken about. Unfortunately, that came with intense bullying and torment. People were so cruel, shouting things at me, throwing snowballs at me, chanting slurs etc., it was pretty awful. I learned to deal with it but unfortunately, this is when the social anxiety began to develop.

I was so excited to meet my first boyfriend, I really cared about him. It was at this time that the bullying stopped bothering me because I was happy. This all came crashing down when people started to find out that we were dating and he was not comfortable with facing these allegations so I was left to endure the verbal abuse on my own which I know for a fact aided in my anxiety. I was so angry and resentful of him at the time but now, I don't blame him at all. I don't blame anyone for hiding when this sort of abuse is coming your way, it was torturous. I felt so alone despite having some great friends, I was nervous. I was nervous about walking in to a room full of people because I was waiting to be ridiculed in front of everyone. I tried to fight it off by going to the smoking section where the crowds were but it almost always ended up with me being horrified because someone would say something awful to me and be applauded by others. There's no feeling like standing in a group of people who are all relishing in your emotional turmoil.

I remember one specific event that pretty much secured this anxiety in me. After I stuck up for a friend who was being bullied, I made the mistake of trying to stop her from attacking my friend and unintentionally elbowed this mean girl in the face. Word quickly spread that I punched her in the face which I denied but the damage was done. One day after school I was walking to a friends with my two good friends and made the mistake of turning around only to discover that about 150 - 200 people were following us. I noticed the girl who I "hit" leading this pack with some of her angrier male and female friends and their intentions were quite simple, to beat the living hell out of the two of us. What was utterly shocking though was how many people who were not involved that were tagging along. It was devastating knowing that these people were only there to watch us get beat half to death, can you imagine the horror? They never caught up to us but returning to school the following day was not easy. Every minute leading up to leaving my house was making me more ill and nervous, there is no describing the feeling of knowing that every single person out there wants to see you suffer. I think this event specifically stands out to me because I remember the horrid nervousness I experienced and the worry I had about even returning to school. 

After high school, I spent several years doing drugs and abusing alcohol. Through this, I met the largest group of friends I'd ever had through the gay club I was frequenting. I recognize now how bad the drugs and lifestyle were for me but at the time, I lost my inhibitions and felt like myself again. I was happy in crowds, ready to entertain the masses with absolutely no regard for the way I was acting or what anyone had to say about it. This pattern continued for almost 6 years before I started weaning myself off of everything and trying to return to a healthier, less dangerous lifestyle. I still regard those times as some of the best of my life and only because it was the first time in so many years that I was actually happy, albeit under the guise of substance abuse, but I was happy regardless.

College was interesting because it thrust me in to situations that I knew I was uncomfortable with like presentations, group projects, and meeting new people. Surprisingly, despite those feelings of intense nervousness and anxiety, I managed pretty well. There were times though that I would be shaking so relentlessly while I was presenting that it was really causing me grief. My brain wouldn't let it go and the entire time I was scoping out people trying to see if they were chuckling or noticing that I was shaking which in turn was causing me even more anxiety and stress. It's a horrible cycle of nervousness caused by wondering if people can tell that you're nervous which sounds stupid but is quite debilitating. That's social anxiety, the fear of worrying about what everyone else is saying, thinking, or wondering about you all while pretty much knowing that you're being absolutely ridiculous and worrying for nothing. It's a constant struggle inside your head between the part of you that knows you're being ridiculous but not being able to do anything about it.

I was put on medication briefly after being diagnosed with general Anxiety Disorder but after talking with friends who struggled to come off of these medications, I quickly realized that my general anxiety was manageable and didn't want to be on pills the rest of my life so I abandoned them. After my mother passed away, my general anxiety seemed to die right along with her. If there was anything fucking good to take from that situation, it was the realization that anxiety can only beat you if you let it. That's when I decided that I was going to finally come to Ireland. I was finally going to look my general anxiety in the face and do something that was so astronomically scary to me to kind of say fuck you to anxiety. Leading up to the trip, I realized that every day things are supposed to make you nervous and that's o.k., it doesn't require medication. I'm o.k with being nervous here or there, it means you're feeling. 

Social anxiety however doesn't work that way. I'm telling my story because last night was pizza night at the hostel. There's this cute Italian guy named Jack that lives here and every Friday night he makes pizza for everyone in the hostel. It's a gathering of everyone who lives / stays here where everyone drinks, socializes, and just lets loose. I made it to one of the pizza nights because I had already had a few drinks and felt empowered but last night was different. I was ready for work and simply had to go in to the kitchen to grab my lunch before I headed out but I was paralyzed in fear. As I sat at one of the tables in the lobby, I chuckled to myself because I realized how ridiculous I was being, no one in there had ever said anything negative to me. In fact, I've had some great laughs with almost everyone who stays here, great conversations, and great fun, but here I was, worrying for no reason about what would happen if I walked in there. How very stupid I felt but also couldn't help but laugh because I recognized the ridiculousness of the situation.

They say you can go to therapy and build confidence, work on role playing social situations to help you forget past events and focus on the future. This, combined with medication should help alleviate social anxiety but honestly, I don't know if I but in to that. I'm a confident son of a bitch, I love myself and I have no problem meeting new people and engaging with strangers. I started a new job and on the first day was grilling everyone about their personal lives. The fact is, the trauma of my earlier years will likely always cause me grief regardless of how confident I feel. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that stops me dead in my tracks is something I've learned to live with and you know what, I'm fucking proud that I got on a plane alone and moved to another country alone. I'm fucking proud that I have finally proven to myself that I am capable of so much more than just accepting life as it is. And you know what, I'm o.k with feeling nervous when I get into a crowd however stupid I might feel at the time, I'm o.k with it. I refuse to believe that mind altering medication is the answer. 

What's the moral of this story? First of all, I feel like it's important to share my story because I'm an open book. There might be just one person out there who reads this and can relate. There might be one person who reads this and has found a trick for dealing with those silly nerves and wants to share that with me. They say that sharing your experiences can help someone else who is struggling and hey, if that's what comes of this than I couldn't be any happier.

I think most importantly, we must always be compassionate. I was not always the most compassionate person. I believe I used my pain as justification for saying awful things about people and that was so very wrong. Becoming a vegetarian and starting this journey caring for animals has really helped me realize how empathetic and caring I really am. The message is simple, it takes just as much energy and effort to be pleasant and compliment someone as it does to say something negative and tear them down. We don't know the struggles someone else is facing and that one nasty comment could be their unraveling. Take the time to spread love, teach your children / nieces and nephews the importance of always being pleasant with people and lifting them up. Our world is in turmoil caused by fear and hate and contributing to that is poisonous. Our children / nieces and nephews will shape the future and if they spread love and positive vibes, maybe that one little boy just like me will be spared the years of social anxiety I've endured.  Maybe that one little girl who is depressed will get the help she needs because she's surrounded by positivity. Maybe that one gay or lesbian teenager who feels shame will start to feel confident. 

Our actions are so important and if my struggle has taught me anything it's that we have the power to help and heal people. I hope that that's the message you've taken from reading this. 

HAPPY VEG