Christmas

Christmas is coming y'all and this will be the first year that I've been away from my family which is making me feel all kinds of ways. I was kind of prepared for these feelings because I knew this was coming but it still doesn't seem any easier now that the day is actually approaching. 

This past week has been rather difficult for me because I started thinking about my mom again but not the way I'd like. For the past several months, I've been thinking happy thoughts about her when she crossed my mind but this past week it's like my brain has completely brought me back to the moments that were the worst. I have been vividly remembering all the gruesome memories about my mother's final days I've tried so hard to bury over the past 3 and a half years and I wonder if it isn't because Christmas is coming and I know how much she loved it. She enjoyed the chaos of it even if sometimes she wanted to rip her hair out, I know how much she enjoyed the morning with us kids and my dad. 

I miss a lot about our Christmas' together. I miss the decorating, I miss the Christmas baking that I feel like I waited a year for, and I miss the morning itself. I definitely cherish those Christmas mornings where we were all together and as happy as could be, things have definitely changed and this year is making that abundantly clear. Not that things haven't been different the past several years anyways, my brother and sister have kids / fams of their own and even if my mother was still with us, they were never going to be the way they once were right? I think it's just my knowing that I'll be unable to hug my nephews this year or see their faces when they open their presents or spend time with my dad who I'm certain misses my mother especially during the Christmas holiday. We all knew how much my mother loved Christmas.

As I said, this has been an especially hard week for me but I feel like it's part and parcel with moving away for this experience. I definitely don't want to sit around and be sad this Christmas but it's hard not to dwell on all that has changed. This Christmas is definitely going to be different but I'm really going to try and make the best of it. I know I have to work but I'll make a video to send to my brother and sister to share with their boys on my behalf and I'll just revisit some of my favourite Xmas memories with some Xmas music playing in the background and just let the moment be as it is. 

HAPPY VEG