"The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation. People with social anxiety disorder may worry about acting or appearing visibly anxious." https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder They say that social anxiety typically begins during the teenage years which in my case, couldn't be any more true. Let's go back to grade school , where I felt as cool as a cucumber with no inhibitions. After starting drama, it was evident to me and my teacher(s) that I had a knack for being on the stage. I thrived on the stage, performing, making people laugh, so much so that there was one year that I didn't sign up but my teachers signed me up because they wanted me there. I loved performing, there was this rush of excitement and happiness that would come over me when I performed. I thoroughly loved the feeling of entertaining people and could see myself pursuing acting and continuing this in to high school and even further, as a career.
Then high school happened and the bullying that really took its toll on me began. I was periodically bullied in grade school for being gay but it never really bothered me because I had a lot of friends and felt comfortable with my surroundings. High school was a completely different story. Aside from one other guy at my school, there weren't openly gay people at my school. At first, I tried to hide or deny the fact but it eventually got old and by grade 10, I was pretty much an open book. I didn't necessarily run around screaming that I was gay but it was evident enough that it didn't need to be spoken about. Unfortunately, that came with intense bullying and torment. People were so cruel, shouting things at me, throwing snowballs at me, chanting slurs etc., it was pretty awful. I learned to deal with it but unfortunately, this is when the social anxiety began to develop. I was so excited to meet my first boyfriend, I really cared about him. It was at this time that the bullying stopped bothering me because I was happy. This all came crashing down when people started to find out that we were dating and he was not comfortable with facing these allegations so I was left to endure the verbal abuse on my own which I know for a fact aided in my anxiety. I was so angry and resentful of him at the time but now, I don't blame him at all. I don't blame anyone for hiding when this sort of abuse is coming your way, it was torturous. I felt so alone despite having some great friends, I was nervous. I was nervous about walking in to a room full of people because I was waiting to be ridiculed in front of everyone. I tried to fight it off by going to the smoking section where the crowds were but it almost always ended up with me being horrified because someone would say something awful to me and be applauded by others. There's no feeling like standing in a group of people who are all relishing in your emotional turmoil. I remember one specific event that pretty much secured this anxiety in me. After I stuck up for a friend who was being bullied, I made the mistake of trying to stop her from attacking my friend and unintentionally elbowed this mean girl in the face. Word quickly spread that I punched her in the face which I denied but the damage was done. One day after school I was walking to a friends with my two good friends and made the mistake of turning around only to discover that about 150 - 200 people were following us. I noticed the girl who I "hit" leading this pack with some of her angrier male and female friends and their intentions were quite simple, to beat the living hell out of the two of us. What was utterly shocking though was how many people who were not involved that were tagging along. It was devastating knowing that these people were only there to watch us get beat half to death, can you imagine the horror? They never caught up to us but returning to school the following day was not easy. Every minute leading up to leaving my house was making me more ill and nervous, there is no describing the feeling of knowing that every single person out there wants to see you suffer. I think this event specifically stands out to me because I remember the horrid nervousness I experienced and the worry I had about even returning to school. After high school, I spent several years doing drugs and abusing alcohol. Through this, I met the largest group of friends I'd ever had through the gay club I was frequenting. I recognize now how bad the drugs and lifestyle were for me but at the time, I lost my inhibitions and felt like myself again. I was happy in crowds, ready to entertain the masses with absolutely no regard for the way I was acting or what anyone had to say about it. This pattern continued for almost 6 years before I started weaning myself off of everything and trying to return to a healthier, less dangerous lifestyle. I still regard those times as some of the best of my life and only because it was the first time in so many years that I was actually happy, albeit under the guise of substance abuse, but I was happy regardless. College was interesting because it thrust me in to situations that I knew I was uncomfortable with like presentations, group projects, and meeting new people. Surprisingly, despite those feelings of intense nervousness and anxiety, I managed pretty well. There were times though that I would be shaking so relentlessly while I was presenting that it was really causing me grief. My brain wouldn't let it go and the entire time I was scoping out people trying to see if they were chuckling or noticing that I was shaking which in turn was causing me even more anxiety and stress. It's a horrible cycle of nervousness caused by wondering if people can tell that you're nervous which sounds stupid but is quite debilitating. That's social anxiety, the fear of worrying about what everyone else is saying, thinking, or wondering about you all while pretty much knowing that you're being absolutely ridiculous and worrying for nothing. It's a constant struggle inside your head between the part of you that knows you're being ridiculous but not being able to do anything about it. I was put on medication briefly after being diagnosed with general Anxiety Disorder but after talking with friends who struggled to come off of these medications, I quickly realized that my general anxiety was manageable and didn't want to be on pills the rest of my life so I abandoned them. After my mother passed away, my general anxiety seemed to die right along with her. If there was anything fucking good to take from that situation, it was the realization that anxiety can only beat you if you let it. That's when I decided that I was going to finally come to Ireland. I was finally going to look my general anxiety in the face and do something that was so astronomically scary to me to kind of say fuck you to anxiety. Leading up to the trip, I realized that every day things are supposed to make you nervous and that's o.k., it doesn't require medication. I'm o.k with being nervous here or there, it means you're feeling. Social anxiety however doesn't work that way. I'm telling my story because last night was pizza night at the hostel. There's this cute Italian guy named Jack that lives here and every Friday night he makes pizza for everyone in the hostel. It's a gathering of everyone who lives / stays here where everyone drinks, socializes, and just lets loose. I made it to one of the pizza nights because I had already had a few drinks and felt empowered but last night was different. I was ready for work and simply had to go in to the kitchen to grab my lunch before I headed out but I was paralyzed in fear. As I sat at one of the tables in the lobby, I chuckled to myself because I realized how ridiculous I was being, no one in there had ever said anything negative to me. In fact, I've had some great laughs with almost everyone who stays here, great conversations, and great fun, but here I was, worrying for no reason about what would happen if I walked in there. How very stupid I felt but also couldn't help but laugh because I recognized the ridiculousness of the situation. They say you can go to therapy and build confidence, work on role playing social situations to help you forget past events and focus on the future. This, combined with medication should help alleviate social anxiety but honestly, I don't know if I but in to that. I'm a confident son of a bitch, I love myself and I have no problem meeting new people and engaging with strangers. I started a new job and on the first day was grilling everyone about their personal lives. The fact is, the trauma of my earlier years will likely always cause me grief regardless of how confident I feel. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that stops me dead in my tracks is something I've learned to live with and you know what, I'm fucking proud that I got on a plane alone and moved to another country alone. I'm fucking proud that I have finally proven to myself that I am capable of so much more than just accepting life as it is. And you know what, I'm o.k with feeling nervous when I get into a crowd however stupid I might feel at the time, I'm o.k with it. I refuse to believe that mind altering medication is the answer. What's the moral of this story? First of all, I feel like it's important to share my story because I'm an open book. There might be just one person out there who reads this and can relate. There might be one person who reads this and has found a trick for dealing with those silly nerves and wants to share that with me. They say that sharing your experiences can help someone else who is struggling and hey, if that's what comes of this than I couldn't be any happier. I think most importantly, we must always be compassionate. I was not always the most compassionate person. I believe I used my pain as justification for saying awful things about people and that was so very wrong. Becoming a vegetarian and starting this journey caring for animals has really helped me realize how empathetic and caring I really am. The message is simple, it takes just as much energy and effort to be pleasant and compliment someone as it does to say something negative and tear them down. We don't know the struggles someone else is facing and that one nasty comment could be their unraveling. Take the time to spread love, teach your children / nieces and nephews the importance of always being pleasant with people and lifting them up. Our world is in turmoil caused by fear and hate and contributing to that is poisonous. Our children / nieces and nephews will shape the future and if they spread love and positive vibes, maybe that one little boy just like me will be spared the years of social anxiety I've endured. Maybe that one little girl who is depressed will get the help she needs because she's surrounded by positivity. Maybe that one gay or lesbian teenager who feels shame will start to feel confident. Our actions are so important and if my struggle has taught me anything it's that we have the power to help and heal people. I hope that that's the message you've taken from reading this. HAPPY VEG
6 Comments
Kimberley diane
11/3/2018 11:05:35 am
Beautiful....inside and out and have been very proud to call you my friend for many yrs now with and without drugs. I look up to you like a brother... You do amazing things and im so happy i get to see it...xoxxo
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Happy Veg
11/3/2018 12:33:26 pm
Omg Kim <3 Thank you so much! It's been an absolute pleasure knowing you and calling you a friend as well. Thank you Thank you Thank you <3<3
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Jess
11/4/2018 12:20:30 pm
Jon... god, I wish you had been at Walkerville with me. I got bullied because I was dating a guy and some guys thought I was a lesbian who had no business dating a guy. Every day of HS was fear of getting called "dyke" and "tranny" and getting caught alone in the hallway for a chance to sexually harass me, and later just getting humiliated in class when the teach left the room. One guy decided it was okay to grab my breast in the stairwell to see if they were real, then I was threatened with retaliation if I went to the principal... again. On the plus side, I was immersed in the arts. I'd have had no fear going into drama with you around! Even so, It took me a lot to want to go out with people and have any sort of confidence in myself. I don't handle compliments well; I have a hard time believing them. I always felt I could be myself around you. I'm sorry we lost touch over the years. Any social interaction has been hard. I was diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder, too. Meds helped for a while and I was able to go off of them. Sad that people like us couldn't just be allowed to shine our happy selves and focus on getting an education... the times of our lives we thought would have been our most fun. And now, I'm an open book, too; letting it all out there for anyone to see. It might be a bit much for some people, and it's all the right amount for attracting the people who matter most to us. It's been a good offense/defense over the years. On the plus side, all those shitty, mean people we had to endure made us effing strong! And I have a strong suspicion that we learned more than they could have ever learned about life.
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Happy Veg
11/4/2018 04:22:54 pm
Oh Jess, I too feel guilt that we didn't stay as close as we should of through those difficult years. Trust me, Walkerville is where I had wanted to go but I ended up at Riverside :'( These events shaped our futures which is so unfortunate because you're right, we're pretty awesome and we should've been allowed to be as awesome as we were without ridicule or judgement.
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Kim
11/5/2018 05:51:03 pm
Hi, John
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Happy Veg
11/7/2018 07:36:02 am
Thank you so much aunt Kim. I wish every day my mom could see the things I'm doing now and I appreciate you saying that. I will continue to take risks and be proud of myself. Love you as well <3
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