After 3 agonizing months of waiting, I finally found a job y'all and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm not the kind of person who does well with nothing to do, especially when my bank account runs dry lol. I was actually just chatting with my sister about this, but I'm so used to a certain lifestyle that being broke doesn't suit me very well. I'm able to adjust, but I certainly don't like it.

This job is going to be great for me. I'm around animals all day which is a natural stress relief for me. I'm getting medical and dental benefits, other benefits, two weeks of paid vacation, and so much more. At this point in my life, the benefits are beyond important. Getting older sucks, but having those benefits will mean I'm protected when something inevitably happens and that gives me such peace of mind. It's also going to be a lot easier on me physically which is a blessing also. My foot is in such a disastrous state, I needed something that wasn't going to have me running around all day like a chicken with my head cut off. I'm sure I'll still be busy, but not as physically whooped as I was at my last job.

I'm just happy. I needed a change big time. I'm excited to start something new (although nervous also lol) , excited to pay down my credit card, and excited to start planning my Mexico trip next June with my sister and possibly one of my besties. Yes, it's 9 months away, but it's nice to have something to look forward to you know?

​Here's to new beginnings <3

If you ask any of my friends, they'll probably tell you that I always do my best to try and stay positive in life. I've said it many times before, but it's so much easier to be negative and allow negativity to consume you when things aren't going well. With that being said, I'm human, and sometimes things just aren't great and it's simply not possible to pump out all of that positivity.

I'm feeling a bit caught in a rather unpleasant situation y'all. If I'm being honest, I'm having a challenging time trying to figure out how to plan for my life when so many things seem to be crapping out on me at the same time. As I've mentioned before, I left my last job at the salon prior to my Mexico vacation because of issues surrounding an incredibly painful bunion and the shifting of the bones in my left foot. It has become so incredibly painful to walk that I've been kind of forced to look for a job where I can sit. It has now been 2 months, and I've gotten absolutely nowhere. Two interviews, neither of which produced anything, and I'm still sitting here trying to find a job that fits my needs in a market that is satiated with people looking for work. It's stressful to say the least.

​I'm currently working on my TEFL certification; Teaching English as a Foreign Language. It's a challenging course to say the least, but I'm determined to get the certification. That certification would allow me to teach from home and would limit my having to walk around. It would also give me the opportunity to travel again because I plan to teach from home for a year or so to build my confidence, and then I'd like to apply at schools in either Vietnam, Thailand, or Mexico. I'm trying to remain positive that this is the right decision for me, but it's hard you know? I'm not making much money right now so I'm really trying to find immediate work that accommodates my current situation.

My surgery is not covered under our healthcare. This means I'm stuck with this painful condition in my foot indefinitely. Since I've been cooped up at home, it has alleviated a lot of the pain I was experiencing through working every day, but it isn't gone. Every step I take around my house is calculated to limit the amount of pain I experience. It's such a bummer you guys.

Honestly, I can't say this enough, but LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. Your body gives you signs that you need to do things differently, I simply ignored them and chose to push forward. Now, I'm sitting here like a bump on a log because I let myself get to this point. I will turn this around, but it's hard to stay positive when so many things are simply not going well.

​Love you all.

Do you guys ever get that crippling feeling that you're never going to get out of a situation you're currently in? Perhaps it's work related, relationship, roommate etc., but there just never seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I find myself sort of trapped in that cycle as I sit and type this, and I worry that I'm the one to blame for my current situation. 

Not anything specifically, more so everything, all at once with absolutely no hope on the horizon. It sounds majorly dramatic as I write it out, but it's kind of a catastrophic feeling of how do I get out of this situation? How do I find that light at the end of the tunnel which is almost always there, but we're unable to see it clearly as we are enveloped in what we believe to be a multitude of obstacles. I'm feeling it particularly hard this morning you guys. How do I get to that point where I'm happy? Where I'm comfortable on my own? Where everything doesn't feel so hopeless? I know there's hope, I just can't find any right now.

I'm struggling with a lot of things currently. As I've stated before, I quit my last job because my left foot is in agonizing pain all of the time. It's now hurting even when I'm just sitting which is a painful reminder that I most definitely need surgery. Where does that leave me when it comes to sourcing work? I've been on the hunt now for a month and I've probably applied to 10 jobs that fit my skillset and needs. I need to be sitting for most, if not all of my shift. I need to make over a certain amount of money so that I can get ahead again and get in to my own space. I'm desperate to be on my own, but I'm sabotaging myself with my expenses that don't correlate with my budget. I've always had this issue with money where yes, my bills are paid, but I'm not saving a penny. How do you get ahead when you're spending like you have an endless stream of money? My own problem, but I recognize it at least.

Ugh, I always sound so depressey when I'm on here yapping, but I kind of use this part of my blog as a diary / release when I can't talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I could chat with my friends of course, but I hate being a buzzkill, and everyone has their own problems that they're trying to navigate that I don't want to add to.

I'm always reminding myself that I should be grateful for the things I DO have. A roof over my head, my health for the most part etc., but it's easy to sink into the negatives when they just seem to keep piling up. Don't worry about me, that's what I'm saying to you all AND myself, I know I can pull myself out of this funk. I just hate that this cloud looms over me constantly making me feel like I could've done things differently.

There's always hope, sometimes you just have to search a little harder for it. Love you all. 

Well y'all, as I sit here typing this, I've come to the realization that this is going to be a transformative year for me in so many ways. I ended my employment with the tanning salon, went to Mexico for 9 days to recharge, refresh, and refocus, and now here I am. Where do I go from here? I've definitely got some semi-concrete plans in my mind but putting them in to fruition is going to take work. With that being said, what I've noticed is despite not currently having a job, my stress is almost non-existent. You really don't recognize how stressed you are all the time, or have been for that matter, until you're suddenly not any longer. Stress is poison to us, I know this all too well. I sometimes let myself stay in situations that don't align with my brain / tolerances because I'm a people pleaser, but this comes at the cost of my own sanity.

I decided I'm going to give the TEFL course another go. Teaching English as a Foreign Language. The course would allow me to teach from the comfort of my home, relieving the pressure and pain my feet have endured for over a year and a half. Without going in to every grotesque detail, my left foot is a complete mess. Bunion, callouses, bones protruding from the left side of my foot, alignment issues with my feet versus leg & knee, the whole shebang. It's been all consuming for me. Every step I take causes so much internal anxiety because I can feel how out of whack my entire bone structure has become. For the past 6 months leading to my departure from the salon, every minute of every day was spent focused on how poorly I felt and panicking over the damage I was doing to my body. This stress was literally becoming all I could focus on which was ruining the job experience for me. How can one smile and be bubbly when they're hyper focused on their health declining before their eyes? It was honestly a complete mess and despite loving being there, it just wasn't good for me at this point in my life.

The English teaching course will afford me the luxury of being able to stay off of my feet more. I'm hoping this allows me to rebuild my strength through yoga, working out, and getting back to my nature walks; all of which have disappeared from my life because of the issues with my feet. I felt my mental health plummeting and honestly, had it not been for that magical trip to Mexico, I don't think I would've mentally lasted much longer before a complete meltdown. I was so close you guys. I couldn't handle a wink of stress because that was my whole existence. Stress, every minute of every day, all consuming, devastating, all of it. Now, I sit here and reflect on how much it truly was eating up my entire attention span. 

My dream is teach online and move to Mexico within the next year. There was something magical that happened to me there. Utter peace. While I was of course over-indulging, it was a reminder that I need to focus on my mental health more and stop sweeping it under the rug. Who else is going to look out for me 100% of the time outside of myself? How can I do that when I'm crumbling from all of the stress, pressure, and pain that I continued to endure? You can't, it's that simple. Something happened to me in Mexico, I felt peace, I felt a sense of awakening, a realization that I didn't have to be in any position I didn't want to. I started researching and landed on the TEFL course.

I'm almost 40, life is short, how long will I continue to enrich other's lives while completely neglecting my own? I want to hear the ocean, feel the ocean breeze, eat good food, and just be happy again. Happiness is something we all search for and honestly, will I ever be TRULY happy? It's up in the air, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be actively working towards that in every facet of my life. So that's my plan.

​Love you all <3

You know, growing up, I really didn't think about cancer much. It hadn't impacted my life so it was something that didn't consume my existence. That is, until my mom was diagnosed with cervical cancer. It was at that moment that cancer became all consuming to me. Watching my mom go through hell, be told it was all good, and then to be sitting in the room with her when she was told she was terminal was the hardest thing I'd ever had to deal with to that point. I still remember the feeling of utter shock and emotional turmoil as we sat there dumbfounded that those words came out of the doctor's mouth. My mom passed away only 5 months after that day. The decline was rapid and frightening, and it was during that time that I started to notice the commercials, the advertisements, the warnings, all over the TV, internet, everywhere. It was always around me, but I didn't take note until it personally affected my life.

In the past year, my brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer which brought back so many horrendous memories. I was so scared but wanted to make sure that my brother knew I was there, strong, and ready to support in any way I could. I'm so grateful to announce that he beat cancer and is doing fantastically. With that being said, hearing him utter the words, "I have cancer" dug up some painful memories for me. 9 years after my mother passed and those memories are so vivid. While I've pretty much accepted & moved on from the trauma of my mother's passing, those memories are there, waiting to come back to the forefront with every C word that affects my life. 

Now, Tuesday I'll be going to the doctor's to determine whether I now have cancer. Only 6 months after my brother, and only 3 weeks away from the 10 year anniversary of my mother's passing. How surreal. I went from really not even thinking about Cancer, to being slapped in the face with it repeatedly. I'm hopeful that even if my diagnosis is cancer, that it's in the very beginning stages and will be dealt with swiftly. Will I completely fall apart when I hear those words? I know there's a possibility I have it, I've come to terms with that, but hearing the words....does the trauma come right back to the forefront? I don't know. All I know is that I'm so sick of hearing that damned word. I'm sick of so many people having to suffer despite decades of research. When will we get to the point that it's not immediately seen as a death sentence in my mind? 

Ugh, I'm definitely overwhelmed by it all. I'm going to go to my appointment on Tuesday with high hopes, but also the realization that I could hear those words. I'm going to do my best to be ok because that's all I can do. I just hope that in my lifetime, we get just a little closer to figuring this all out. It's devastating the amount of lives lost to this awful disease every year.

​That's all for now. I love you all <3 

Can you guys believe Christmas is in 4 days? I'm missing that Christmas spirit this year despite my best efforts. I've been listening to my favourite Christmas hits every morning as I do my blogging, trying to get in to that happy, festive spirit, but something is just lacking. Is it the lack of snow? Is it missing my mom? Is it my work schedule that has me pretty much working right up until Christmas? I think it's a combination of all of these things but I'll tell you, I just don't feel it this year.

I really miss my mom. Christmas was definitely her time to shine I'll tell you. I miss the chaos. I miss the smell of weeks of hectic Christmas baking. I miss everything about our Christmas' of yesteryear. Things really haven't been the same without her. I also think that as we grow up, the nostalgia of it all kind of diminishes despite our best efforts. While I wish I could still have the youthful excitement surrounding the day, it's just another day anymore, especially when you're just working all the way through. I must admit, I was pretty spoiled at the restaurant when my boss would take her vacation to Mexico and close us for like, 10 days. Sure, I wasn't getting paid, but it definitely felt more like the holidays when I was off and was able to do Christmasy things. Maybe that's another reason this all just feels so lame.

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister and brother over the holidays of course. I'll spend some time with my sister and her family on Christmas day, and some time with my brother and family on Boxing day because everyone doesn't really see each other anymore. My sister / dad and my brother are in this weird place where they haven't really spoken much or spent ANY time together in years. It's a weird dynamic but let's face it, who's family dynamic is perfect? Admittedly, it would be so nice if we could all get together leaving me with one day to spend myself, but that's more so me being greedy. I miss the whole fam getting together but what can ya do?

But that's that. I'm missing the spirit this year you guys. Maybe the next few days will change that, I don't know, but I'm signing off and heading to work. Exhausted, over-tired, and completely missing the Christmas spirit.

Although this is probably rather unsurprising given that I've repeatedly told y'all I'm a bit of a mess, but I really don't thrive in chaos. What I mean by that is when things are constantly coming up that throw a wrench in my plans or what I've set out to do, I find that I get extremely overwhelmed which shoots my anxiety through the roof. My anxiety has been particularly bad these past 6 months or so, I've found that I've been struggling to maintain my composure because I just feel like things have been all over the place.

I've talked about this before, but I shit, shower, and shave in the same order every day. I'm a creature of habit and consistency. Without consistency, I'm a complete basket case and I've certainly found that I've been struggling a lot mentally lately. Both of my siblings were dealt with health scares that really left me anxious at all times and I've not yet recovered. I've talked about my job before and how sales is just something that is not me whatsoever, and the pressure it has put on me mentally with everything else that life throws at you...I'm struggling.

I really try my best to maintain my composure but I can tell I'm cracking. I can feel it. My anxiety has been so bad that I find myself waking up 100's of times throughout the night, stressed about things that haven't even happened. I'm waking up before my alarm and just laying there, staring blankly at the ceiling and over-thinking every facet of my life from my job to my health and everything in between. It's not healthy. I miss the version of me that didn't feel like this...he was here a couple years ago. But whoever that version of me was has gone on vacation and left me behind with this version of myself. This version is perpetually nervous, paranoid, and angry. I don't like him.

I know that everything in life is short-lived and I also know that I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to make 2025 my best year yet. I need new surroundings, new scenery, new opportunities, and less stress lol It all starts somewhere and for me, it'll start at home. Getting back in to a workout routine and setting out a sleep schedule is where I'll start tackling the anxiety. From there, it'll be about getting back in to the food industry I think. I miss being surrounded by food. Talking about food, seeing people eat and be happy, memories around food. I really do miss it and food IS my passion after all.

Rant over. I'm struggling, but I know I can do this. I'm the only person responsible for my happiness in the end. Everyone around you has their own motives, their own journey and responsibilities, and they might want what's best for you but it doesn't always coincide with what YOU deem to be best. I'm making some major changes this year and I'm determined to get the happy, healthy, and less stressed version of me back. I'm so burnt out from being perpetually anxious and stressed.

You know, I remembered wanting to start this page because growing up, having an open sort of diary was very healing for me. With that being said, I haven't posted anything here in months. As I'm sure most of us would agree after a certain age, life be lifing. If it's not one thing, it's another, and half the time I'm just trying to stay sane enough not to end up committed. Y'all feel this?

I've been up against a lot, despite none of it actually being about me, if that makes sense. Both of my siblings have recently endured grueling health challenges that were very scary for all of us. There's absolutely nothing like finding out your younger siblings are seriously ill. Every day I woke up afraid, waiting for some kind of good news / light at the end of the tunnel. It was quite honestly two of the scariest months of my life. I'm happy to report that they're both on the mend thank goodness, but man, that was incredibly challenging to try and go to work every day and smile when I was dying inside from stress and worry. 

I'm also in the process of trying to achieve some personal milestones. As I always say, we should always be trying to one up ourselves you know? There's a couple things that I took away from my sibling's health issues, mainly my own lifestyle / diet and things that I know are just simply not healthy and putting me in peril of facing a similar fate. I've been slowly making changes and I'm committed to being done with all of these things by my 39th birthday in February. 40 is coming you guys and I know that one is going to sting lol I want to feel my best and be proud of my accomplishments by the time that birthday comes to soften the blow lol

I hate aging, I won't even lie or try to sugar coat things. I find something new is always hurting when I wake up, I found ear hair that just sent me in to a spiral, and the wrinkles, let's not even go there lol I'm struggling with not being where I wanted to be by this age which is kind of weighing on me. With that being said, I remind myself that my mom passed so young and that always grounds me and reminds me to be fu<king grateful I'm even still here. It's hard, but I know I have to try and be positive amidst everything happening. It's far too easy to sink in to a state of negativity when you really don't see things happening for you the way you'd always hoped.

At the end of the day, I'm here, I'm trying, and every day I wake up is a new opportunity to make some changes and be the best version of myself. I'm a work in progress, aren't we all?

​Love you all <3

Change is one of those things that whether we like it or not, it's going to happen regardless. I'm not always the biggest fan of change, especially if that change is forced upon me. When I'm in control of the change, I'm usually quite eager and ready to take on a new experience. When it's forced upon me, I tend to be hesitant and anxious about those changes. Well you guys, the restaurant I've worked at for almost 8 years officially closed for the last time last Friday. Talk about a big, stinky, unwanted change being hurled at me full speed.

To say that I was shocked would be an overstatement. I've worked as restaurant manager, particularly managing the front of house, for 3 1/2 years. I've seen us go from waiting lists for tables, running ourselves ragged to keep up, to where we ended things in the past few months. The day's were slow, even on our busiest days, things paled in comparison to where we once were. I recognized things were going downhill and worked pretty diligently to come up with ideas to bring people back to no avail. We were hit with road closures that left us inaccessible for months, a drag story time event that blew up and saw us boycotted, and covid. I navigated that restaurant as best I could through those challenges but with every new challenge or road block, we barely scarped our way out. It was evident to me for a long time that things weren't going well, I had just held on to that glimmer of hope that things would turn around.

Our final day was a sad one. We came together, ate pizza, had some laughs, and mourned a restaurant that meant something different to each of us. As I walked out for the last time, I knew it was time to accept that this major change was going to be a difficult one to endure. I'm incredibly grateful that I had the salon as a second job / buffer to fall back on but so many things started going through my mind. When will I see everyone again? How am I going to save on just one income? Ugh, I had this big plan to move away next April that relied on my being at both jobs right to the end. Now what? Is that plan even still in place? Is it even feasible at this point?

I don't know. I don't know anything at this point. This past week was one of reflection for me. Mourning the loss of a place I called home for so long, but also mourning my future plans which at this point, are very much up in the air. This is what I call forced change. Sure, I'd seen the signs that things weren't going well, but I was still caught off guard at how quickly the restaurant went up for sale and sold less than a month later. There just wasn't enough time to process everything. I'm not even sure as I type this that I've fully processed or accepted the situation. I'm coasting, just trying to be present for the situations I'm dealing with without putting too much emphasis on my future. Am I back at square one? Not necessarily, but I'm not on track like I was before the restaurant closed.

So here I am, enveloped in a change I didn't want. Change can be good, but sometimes it comes at a cost of losing something so very important to you as it has me. What does the future look like? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I'm so guilty of biting off more than I can chew in life, especially when I have a goal to achieve. When I'm focused on said goal, I tend to put everything I have in to achieving said goal, often times at the expense of my own happiness or well-being. Anyone else guilty of this? 

As I've mentioned before, I have plans on moving next year. I don't quite know yet where I'm headed, keeping my options open, but that's my plan. In order to achieve this plan, I took a second job with the intention of working a day or two extra per week. It has since turned in to 4 days a week on top of the four I work at the restaurant as well. Since about January, I've been averaging 60+ hours per week. It's a lot! With that being said, I paid off debt I incurred from the Government, as well as paying my credit card off completely and actually having a savings developing. This is all fabulous news, but as I said, I sometimes do so at my own expense.

I have a bunionette, which is essentially when the bone in your foot starts to shift and protrude out of the side of your foot. A callous typically develops over the bunionette making it extremely painful. My doctor recommended taking some time off of my feet and keeping spacers in to try and relieve pressure and slowly shift the bone back in to my foot. What's so difficult about that you ask? Well, I need two jobs so that I can continue to save money for my move, but with each day, I find myself in more pain than I was the day before. It seems like I'm working against my own healing to achieve my goals of moving out of the province next year. How do I take two or three weeks off? Sure, it's for my health, but that's two jobs with two schedules to try and accommodate my being unavailable. It isn't possible like, who's paying me while I'm off resting?

I'm so conflicted you guys because I can feel my foot getting worse with every day. The pain has been so intense some days that it actually nauseates me with every step I take. This thing has a heart beat for crying out loud, pulsing and throbbing as I navigate twelve and a half hour days 3 or 4 times a week. I know that I need to continue this schedule in order to keep on track with my plans to move next April, but I worry that my foot won't make it until then and I'll be forced in to surgery to fix my foot before it gets to a point that I cannot walk at all. I'm literally working against my own health in order to achieve this goal of moving next year and I'm conflicted most days about whether this is the right decision.

Ugh, anyone else out there guilty of putting their own health or concerns on the back burner in order to achieve something? Am I making the right decision here or should I be putting this energy in to healing and then going from there? I'm just sop conflicted because I'm so determined to move, but I'm in tremendous pain and don't really have any time in the week to rest my busted foot. I'm overdoing it, but I don't know what else to do. I've always been a work horse, even at my own expense, I don't know any differently.

Anyways, that's that! Happy Thursday guys. Hopefully I can get my head out of my own ass and figure out a way to balance the work load with much-needed self care and rest before I crash and burn y'all.